On this day a year ago, I was almost 21 weeks pregnant being wheeled into the OR feeling Greer’s kicks and woke up with her gone. I left the hospital with my body feeling like I just gave birth, my chest filled ready to feed her… but with empty arms. I could not look at a baby, an expectant mother… I could barely hold my nephew without tears. The guilt I feel from TFMR {Terminating for Medical Reasons} and not being able to actually deliver her is something I’m still very much working through. There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think about her or the events surrounding her death. Somedays, I still can’t believe this is something I was faced with and have to carry for the rest of my life.

I know how blessed I am to now be pregnant with Tatum. I thank God and Greer every day for her. I think it’s important to vocalize that she doesn’t replace or take away from Greer. Each one of my daughters are special and unique in their own way. I will continue to make sure Greer is honored and remembered always. I have found such comfort in counseling other mothers who have been through this. I have been filled with immense pride given from Stella. It amazes me how at such a young age she has handled this with empathy and compassion beyond her years. Josh has seen me at the lowest of low points this year….. and held me up when I didn’t think I could stand alone….. the absolute true definition of a forever love. He made sure I didn’t lose my faith in God when I almost did. Find someone that will be everything for you in the darkest times. As much as this was trying on us as a couple for sure, it absolutely brought us closer together.

I’m so thankful to the people that would always ask me how I’m doing and check in with me months and months after… the people that send me a quick message before these appointments for Tatum. I will always, always be grateful for you.

If you are going through this, hold on. The clouds will part, the rainbows will come. Even when it seems like you will never find joy again… you will. Honor your sweet babies. Honor them by talking about them and helping others. I read something somewhere about using social media to impact others…not to impress others. I love this because it’s so right on. Starting this blog and joining support groups online has led me to beautiful friendships and receiving kindness in ways I didn’t think were possible. Strangers thank me for being so open and helping them. That to me is so incredible.

I am not the same person I was a year ago. My perspective on life is different, my relationships are different, the way I parent Stella is different. These are all amazing things that have come out of such a tragedy. I shouldn’t even say it’s been a year without her. Physically, yes.. obviously. But, she sends me signs all the time. The cardinals showing up, the rainbows, dreams, even the ghost image on my first ultrasound with Tatum…. I’m so grateful for those signs and the growth this has brought me. My “watchful, gaurdian” Greer is indeed the angel of her little “bringer of joy, cheer” sister Tatum. How blessed am I to have these beautiful souls in my life. Very. Very blessed.

-Emily

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greersgarden

Greer’s Garden was founded to support families who have experienced the devastating loss of a wanted pregnancy. Our mission is to give hope.

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